MRI Results and Psychologist

Finally some good news. It looks like the MRI has come back clear on the right side. The full report still needs to go through MDT next Wednesday so my operation will now take place on Monday 19th February and even better news, Mr M will be looking after me from now on and will be doing the surgery himself. I leave the breast clinic and head upstairs to meet Mr B - the psychologist.

I'm strangely excited to be seeing a shrink but I have no idea what to expect. As I sit and wait I imagine laying on a chaise longue and pouring my heart out. In reality, I walk in and sit on a chair opposite Mr B. He's friendly and noting my obvious disappointment and the lack of a movie style set he apologises.

He explains how the session works and asks me what I hope to get from the session. I explain I want to try and separate my cancer journey from my Dads. I tell him I am still grieving. I tell him I want to ensure that all my decisions are made based on fact rather than fear. I mention my work worries too. We talk for over an hour and he tells me he's impressed with how I'm already analysing each step within my situation, taking my career skills and using them to help me along my journey.

The session is such a positive experience. It's so nice to talk to a stranger about my problems, my life - someone with no interest other than helping me, you can talk without feeling you're burdening.

I leave on a high. He knows Im making the right decision for me as far as the risk reducing surgery but he suggests I see him again following my mastectomy to talk again.

Work Mates Rule

So after seeing the doctor yesterday I was feeling a bit down. I had arranged to meet up with my team from work. They very kindly made the drive to where I live and we had a lovely dinner together. At the end of the evening I was presented with a huge amount of really thoughtful gifts; pyjamas for hospital, colouring books and pencils to help with boredom, toiletries, chocolate, biscuits and quite possibly the best pre mastectomy boob cake I ever did see. 

I'd told the guys that I thought we should have a bit of a party for the left boob ahead of my mastectomy and this just made me roar. A good sense of humour and good old laughs are often the best medicine through tough times. They even made boob straws for us all to drink from!

So lovely to see everyone. Thank you so much - what a fantastic team I have. x

What Happens During a Breast MRI Scan?

I arrive at the hospital 15 minutes early as requested. I check in at reception and I'm given a form to complete. The form asks lots of questions about previous surgery and any metal work I have in my body. I do have a metal plate in my left wrist but we already know from the mid consultation phonecall that it's not an issue for this scan.

Almost immediately I'm called through, and I'm led to a changing area. I don the hospital gown that I have become so accustomed to over the past 4 months. I'm wearing jeans on my bottom half but obviously there's metal buttons and zips on them so very cleverly I brought a pair of pyjama bottoms with me to protect my modesty whilst in 'the tube'. 

Once I'm changed I head back out. The radiology nurse puts me at ease. She passes me a key and I pop all of my things in to a locker. Next job is to have my cannula inserted. Everything is explained, I'll have a scan first then a special dye will be injected through the cannula and I'll be scanned again.

The dye will help any potentially cancerous breast tissue show up more clearly. Cancers need an increased blood supply in order to grow so on a breast MRI scan, the contrast tends to become more concentrated where there is cancer growth. These usually show up as white areas on an otherwise dark background.

The MRI room is huge. I'm told to lie on my front on the 'bed' with my boobs in the holes. Easier said than done. I put all my weight on the pillow in front of me, the pillows fold and collapse and I nearly topple. Once in place, boobs hanging, the radiologist turns a dial on the side and my breasts are clamped into place. She puts a wedge at my knees so my legs are resting against it, the bottom of my feet facing upwards towards to the top of the scanner. She tells me this will help my back.  

Picture me, laying flat on my tummy, arms outstretched in front of me like superwoman. I don't feel like superwoman but maybe I will once I've won my fight.

The headphones are placed on to my ears and the bed moves me head first in to the scanner. Once I'm in place, the radiologist appears at the other end of the tube. Facing me she attaches a long spiral tube in to my cannula. It looks like the cable from an old fashioned phone. It's in. The radiologist reminds me it's going to be very noisy and she leaves me on my own.

The music starts but the MRI machine is so loud I can hardly hear it. So many different noises, loud clicking, alarm sounds... all whilst I'm trying to stay calm and still.

I focus on staying still. Big mistake. The moment you think about staying still, really concentrate on it, you become paranoid about moving. So then I'm thinking I have to keep my chest still... but how... do I stop breathing? Immediately my heart starts pounding with panic - Oh God! Now I'm breathing really fast, my chest must be going up and down so much. Shit! Be calm, be calm. Listen to the music. I relax again, breathing slows. I zone out from the noise. 

The music was ok... Take That, A Little Less Conversation, then wait... what? Is that Eamon? The song F*ck It (I Don't Want You Back) is on? It plays for about 40 seconds before it's skipped on to be replaced by Enrique Iglesias. I picture the panic as the radiologist's Spotify played the inappropriate song. I chuckle to myself... which makes me panic about moving again... my heart goes again and I cant control my breathing. God this is so hard! Keep still woman!

After a what feels like forever, there is silence. A voice comes through the headphones, "Dye injection in 10 seconds." My right hand lurches as it goes in. It's a strange feeling, a whoosh of cold at first but then slowly I can almost feel it going round my body. It makes me feel warm. My hand tingles, arms still stretched out in front of me, above my head.

My shoulders are aching now. I cant wait to move my head, my neck, my arms. The noise intensifies again. I've been in this awful position for at least half an hour. 

Finally it's over. The nurse returns. I tell her my heart was pounding and I was panicking that my breathing was jiggling my boobs. She laughs and tells me I did really well. I grab my things from the locker and we head in to the blood room again so she can remove the cannula.

It's over with. I head back to the car with a very flushed face. I giggle like I'm drunk, I'm so tired and I yawn all the way home. Let's just hope the results show my right boob is clear. 

*Fingers Crossed*

More waiting.

Did you know?
To enable a clear and successful MRI screening you need to be between 6-12 days out from the start of your last period. 

Getting What I Want

Today we headed back to the hospital to meet the new consultant. We waited as usual but today I didn't have the nervous feeling in my tummy. I was back in fighting mode.

"Leanne"

My breast nurse calls, I confirm my details and head in. Mr M introduces himself, shakes my hands. "I know you don't know me," he says, "but I know everything about you and your journey. I am part of the MDT (multi disciplinary team) where we discuss your case each week. I know that you have had a pretty rough journey so far and things just keep getting worse for you." He explains that Tracy my breast nurse has advised that since the very start I had wanted a bilateral (two boobs) mastectomy then goes onto explain he is willing to listen but there are procedures that would need to be followed.

"Actually," I say. "I have done a bit of a 360 on that for now." I explain how I've researched A LOT and actually I am willing to go down the silicone route initially and see how it goes. I have already been referred to the psychologist about the risk reducing surgery but it is definitely the route I want to go down eventually.  He agrees that I should have the diseased beast done first because if I hate the cosmetic result and I've chosen to remove my 'healthy' breast then I may regret it forever.

I run through my questions and he is straight to the point answering every one with complete raw honesty. He looks me in the eye permanently, I try and do the same but that always makes me feel uneasy - like I'm in some kind of non blinking staring competition! He seems blunt and at first I don't know if I love him or hate him!

I explain how I am completely 100% convinced there is something going on in my right breast. He says he gets it, my instincts have been completely correct throughout and that combined with the false 'clear' ultrasound and mammogram on the left breast, he would feel the same. I ask about an MRI. He tells me he believes it's unnecessary. I ask again "Can it be done just to confirm? Otherwise I will always be in a constant state of panic about it."

"Yes, I'd be happy to refer you just for piece of mind."

Relief.

I then point out that I have metal work in my wrist so can I even have an MRI anyway?! Good question. Mr H doesn't know but he'll find out. I'm told that MRI scans can usually show a false positive result so having the scan would potentially mean the operation booked for 8th February may need to be postponed.

I look at Mr H but he's picked up his mobile and appears to be texting! What the hell!? No wait, he's calling someone - the radiology team. He explains my diagnosis, that I need an MRI but I have the plate in my wrist. He asks me dates from that op. Then I hear "Great news, thanks."

Wow, this guy gets shit done!! Any other doctor would have dictated a letter, had his secretary mail it over and Id have waited a week to find out if I could even have the scan. It was at that moment I decided I really liked the guy. He also agreed to recommend me for gene testing too. Brilliant.

He lets me take away a copy of my histology report and my nurse runs me through everything from the last surgery properly. She tells me that I am completely within my rights to decide which surgeon I want to perform my mastectomy. I ask who she would choose and she eyeballs the door that we have come from. I tell her I want him to do it - Mr M - definitely.

I leave the hospital for the first time feeling confident. Finally I'm getting somewhere.

By the time we get home the phone is ringing. It's my breast nurse - she needs to know the start date of my last period. Luckily I track my dates on the Clue app on my phone so I tell her exactly when it was - 18th January. She lets out a sigh and says she'll come back to me.

By 4pm the radiologist has called. They can fit me in on Saturday morning. That was fast!

Decisions

So having left my last appointment yesterday feeling very upset and angry I decided to go about researching everything myself.

At this point I am adamant I still want a double (bilateral) mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction. DIEP reconstruction is where a flap of skin and fat (no muscle) is taken from the tummy area and used to form a new boob. The skin and fat are taken from between the belly button and the groin along with the artery and veins. It is called DIEP because Deep blood vessels called the Inferior Epigastric Perforators are used.

There are so many other different flap options but this is the one I wanted because it only takes fat and skin, not muscle. The back flap (LD) operation that MR H had offered me would use muscle and the thought of that just made me feel sick. Besides,I defo had enough fat to make a pair of GG's on my tummy!

I joined a few faceboook groups for women suffering with breast cancer and asked lots of different questions.
I called Macmillan and asked them some questions too -mainly about DIEP flap surgery. So here's what I learnt:

- Unless you have the BRAC gene you are unlikely to be offered a bilateral mastectomy in the UK if only one breast is affected but you can fight for it.
- If you choose to fight for a bilateral mastectomy you will first need to be referred to a psychologist - likely delaying your operation.
- Gene testing on the NHS involves your consultant writing a letter to the lab recommending you for testing. They may not accept you if you do not meet the criteria.
- In the US you are automatically offered both a bilateral mastectomy and a hysterectomy if you have the gene.
- When you have radiotherapy it tightens your skin so any reconstruction will be affected and it's likely that further surgery will be needed.
- Not all reconstruction operations are available at all hospitals. I would need to be referred to another if I want to have the DIEP.
- You can only have DIEP flap surgery once. So if you have a unilateral mastectomy (just one boob) and you need another later down the line then you cannot have anymore tissue taken from your tummy.

So where do I stand now? Yesterday was horrendous but I couldn't just leave it at that. I'd have to get my own answers.

Having asked advice in many discussion groups, spoken to Macmillan team on the phone (who were absolutely fantastic) and having done my own research including contacting private hospitals for advice, I have decided that I am willing to run with the unilateral mastectomy with the expander and silicone implant. I will await the result of the histology and if  Im happy with the result of the implant and once any additional treatment is complete THEN I will proceed to have the risk reducing surgery on the right.

For peace of mind I want to request an MRI to be completely sure that there is no disease on the right and I also want to push for the genetic testing to see the risk for me and for my daughter in years to come.

I call my breast nurse and request an appointment with a different consultant - not Mr H. She agrees to book me in..

Two hours later I'm happy, I have an appointment on Tuesday to discuss everything, this time with the hospitals Lead Clinician for Breast Services.

I have a list of questions at the ready!

Central Excision Results Day

Today was the worst appointment of my journey so far. Not because of the news or the results, just because I was really unhappy with the way I was treated.

As usual I felt sick in the pit of my stomach as we traveled to the hospital. The waiting room is packed, we take the last two seats. Everyone looks so desperate in here. I scan the room and hope that everyone else is just there for scans and their journey can end today with a clear result.

We wait anxiously for over an hour in the waiting room. My heart palpitating at a whole new level. I cross my fingers as I wait. I pray that the margins have come back clear and no more surgery is required.

"Leanne Nash"

Oh god it's time. The nurse asks for my date of birth and I real it off as usual. My whole bosy is pulsing with nerves.

When I enter the room I'm surprised that my regular consultant, Mrs S is away and Tracy my regular breast nurse isn't there either. Mr H introduces himself by name, not title. There's something I dislike about him but I cant put my finger on it. He asks me if I've had any pain and I explain how I've been feeling. "Right, first things first, lets take a look - is that ok?" I head behind the curtain and do the standard top half strip. Gown on.

He looks at the scar, says it's healing well. Then asks if he can have a look at my right breast. I agree. He's happy that they are looking similar in size. "Ok, get dressed." I feel calmer, maybe it's good news if he's checking the size match - hopefully no more surgery.

I put my clothes back on and sit back down.

"So we have the results back from your central excision. There was DCIS found in the margins so you will need to have a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction." He refers to the DCIS as pre-cancer and I feel anger in the pit of my tummy.

Listen mate, I think to myself, I can tell you this is NOT pre-cancer. My lovely Macmillan nurse has said the same. It is very much breast cancer, I'm just 'lucky' it has been caught early enough for it not to have spread. I think back to the pre-cancerous cells that were found on a regular smear test - I wasn't told I needed a hysterectomy was I?? If it's not cancer then why the actual hell are you proposing to chop my boob off!?

He continues... "We will insert an expander first then later replace with silicone  I can do that for you on 8th February. Now, it wont look the same as before, it wont feel the same as before but we hope to give you a fair result. Any questions?"

Fair? What the hell is that supposed to mean? None of this is fair.

I nodded as he spoke but inside I was dying. I had hoped with all my heart that it would not come to this. I asked him about the margins and he explained that all edges bar one were positive and the one clear margin was only 1mm.

All along, deep down, I've known it would come to this... a mastectomy. And having had this in the back of my head, I had made a decision that when/if it did happen,  I would like to opt for a bilateral mastectomy. Take both away. I'd said that backin December as soon as I got the initial diagnosis. If only I'd pushed for it.

I tell him I want to have a double mastectomy rather than just the left. He dismisses me, tells me that it's not an option. They would never remove a healthy breast. I explain that I am still worried there is something wrong in the right side. He dismisses me again and tells me that all scans were clear. I remind him the scans were clear on the diseased breast too. "Yes, but you had the discharge and you don't on the right."

IT'S MY GODDAMN BODY!!!!! WHY CANT I JUST MAKE MY OWN DECISION?!

Soon enough we are exiting the room. My blood is boiling. My head is all over the place and we are lead by the nurse to what I now call 'the room of doom' - a small private room where anyone newly diagnosed is taken to so they can take everything in and sit with the Macmillan nurse to ask questions. We're left alone while the nurse goes to find more information to hand to us.

I begin to cry at the enormity of what we've just been told and Chris holds my hand. We hug.

But then I stop, the clouds in my head parting for a moment. I wonder why I've just been TOLD what was happening instead of discussing all of the reconstruction options that I've read about. Then I get angry again. I don't even know who this man is, what's his job? I don't want him to do my operation. Is he a doctor? A consultant? What?

I had wanted a mastectomy from the start but I was persuaded that that was completely unnecessary and that a 'breast conserving' central excision would be best for me but if later down the line I wanted a risk reducing mastectomy then that would be fine, I could do that, but that was obviously a lie.

When the nurse returns I tell her again, I'd really like to opt for a double mastectomy but she tells me if that's really what I want then I would have to have the risk reducing mastectomy later down the line. The left mastectomy is their priority and if I want the right gone too then I'll need to wait months and months and see a psychologist so he can confirm that I am aware of the consequences of my actions! Wow.

I ask her to explain the reasons why and this time she explains that if I was to catch an infection on the right side from the risk reducing surgery and then an invasive cancer was to be found on the left then I could potentially be putting myself at risk. An infection due to an unnecessary operation could potentially prevent me from having life saving treatment if invasive cancer is discovered. A lot of ifs!

Next I ask about the different flap reconstruction options. I really don't want silicone - especially if I'm only having it in one side. I picture myself in my 80s with one perky boob on the left and one saggy dog ear on the right - imagine the sight - I'd look like a bloody Darlek!!

The nurse hands me a Breast Cancer Care booklet with details of all of the reconstruction options available. I tell her my feelings on silicone and that I don't really want to have an implant. Ideally I'd prefer a DIEP flap reconstruction where they take fat from your tummy and use that to reconstruct a new breast. She tells me they don't do that at this hospital. I explain my feelings and she heads back in to see Mr H. She said "Mr H says that's a shame because he thinks your the perfect candidate for silicone, he says if you don't want implants then he could do a back flap here at this hospital." No thanks!! I'm fuming that these options weren't given to me 20 minutes ago when I was with him myself. She tells me to take the booklet home and have a read then call back if I still want to discuss my options.

Chris asks about Mrs S performing the surgery but apparently shes not back until the end of the month and they don't want to delay. Hmmm, if it's ONLY pre-cancer then why the urgency. I hate this day. I feel like the nurse just wants us to leave. Chris probes again "Who is Mr H? Is he any good?" The nurse says he's a lovely man. Chris replies "I don't care how nice he is!Is he any good with a knife and fork?" I smirk. The nurse tells us all of the surgeons are fantastic.

I have another question  - no one has told me the results of my hormone test. Again the nurse heads back in to Mr H. "Oh he didn't know you hadn't been told, sorry. You're Oestrogen positive 7/8. I have no idea what this means and it's not explained but my heart is pounding with all of my emotions.

Upset, sadness and anger fill me.

We leave with the mastectomy info sheet and sentinal node bipsy sheet and the reconstruction option booklet.

This is not over. I am so disappointed.

Central Excision Day

I feel calm. Don't get me wrong, I've cried. I'm desperately sad to loose my nipple. I'm literally grieving for it. But the show must go on.

Today is the day of my central excision. We head in to the hospital - early this time. We arrive at 7.30am. I haven't eaten since midnight. I'm thirsty.

After half an hour the Macmillan nurse visits. She talks to me about the procedure and some exercises to do afterwards. There's some confusion over whether I am having lymph nodes taken. I was told I wasn't but the nurses seem to think I am. I know from my research that this would mean having a dye injected in to me so my surgery wouldn't be until the afternoon if that was the case. I'm secretly happy - I've had this horrible nagging pain under my arm for months and I have convinced myself it's something sinister - at least this would confirm it either way.

The anaesthetist arrives and calls me in to a side room. He asks me to confirm my name, date of birth and the operation I'm having. He runs through his list of questions - all good - and I return to the waiting room.

After an hour and a half, I see my consultant arrive. She calls another patient in first. I'm next - second on the list. Mrs S tells me they definitely aren't taking any nodes. She reminds me she is going in blind on this op as the cancerous cells haven't shown up on any scans. She will do her best to take it all away and get the clear margins I desperately want.

A clear margin means that no cancer cells are seen at the outer edge of the tissue removed. The tissue removed is usually sliced in to many pieces so the histology gives a very clear report on exactly what is removed.

Before I know it I'm in my gown and socks. A nurse walks me to the theatre. I'm hooked up to all the monitors again, cannula in.

I look at the clock - 10.10am. By 10.14 I'm drifting off....

---

When I start to come round in recovery I am in so much pain. I'm still drowsy but the pain is so intense that I can hear myself groaning. The nurse asks me about my pain and administers me with morphine. I'm unaware that anyone else is in the recovery area.

Within 10 minutes the pain looses its edge. I'm so thirsty and drink 2 glasses of water. That's when I realise there's about 4 or 5 other patients that have been listening to me groan with the pain. I'm mortified.

I'm sore but I cant wait to head home. I fall sleep for a few hours and when I awake I'm offered the famous hospital toast. The greastest toast ever. That perks me right up and before I know it, it's 4pm and I'm heading home.

The car journey is excruciating.  We really need to get a car with better suspension.I'm signed off work for two weeks to recover. Hopefully we've managed to rid all of this horrible disease from my body.

The wait continues.

Microductectomy Results Day - I Have Cancer

I've remained positive but inside I've been dreading today. We drive to the hospital and my tummy flutters. I try and breath deeply to calm my nerves. By the time I sit down in the waiting room my heart is pounding so fast that I feel like it is about to burst out of my rib cage. The wait feels like an age. Until eventually....

"Leanne Nash"

I just about get my date of birth out and enter the consultation room. This time there is an extra person in the room - another nurse. My brain goes in to overdrive. I sit down and I am asked how I am, hows the pain? I don't feel like I'm really there, I just feel odd. I'm asked to go behind the curtain and put the gown on. The consultant removes the steri-strips and checks the wound. Everything looks good so I get dressed and sit down again.

Mrs S, my consultant, explains that they did find a papilloma which was likely what was causing the bleeding. However, while she was removing the duct she had been able to feel that the surrounding ducts weren't right. They didn't feel as they should. She explained that she had tried to remove the areas that felt odd but they went deeper and deeper she had to stop. All of the areas she had removed had been sent away for screening and the results showed that there was a cancer present. A very early form of cancer known as DCIS - ductal carcinoma in situ. She was very apologetic - I think most likely because they were convinced I was healthy and it was me that had  to push for the microductectomy in the first place. Immediately the additional nurse was introduced, she was a Macmillan nurse specialising in breast cancer.

Time stood still for a minute. I don't think I spoke. The nurse left to get me some water.

It was explained that the next step would be for me to have a mammogram and another ultrasound to see if the DCIS was visible then we would need to go back and see her again later today. She thought that the best way to proceed would be to perform a central excision. A large incision would be made across my left breast. They would aim to remove all of the DCIS but they would need to remove my nipple.

I left the consultants room and began to cry. I honestly think the thought of losing my nipple had hit me harder than hearing the word cancer. That may seem ridiculous but right then in that moment that was what mattered to me. My femininity. It doesn't matter whats going on in the inside as long as you look and feel the same on the outside.

I were ushered in to a side room and handed some tissues. The Macmillan nurse came in with lots of booklets for us to read. I told her, "I honestly just want them to take both boobs". I didn't want to risk my life. We talked for a while and she explained that having a bilateral mastectomy was a huge decision. I'd have to have a reconstruction with silicone implants. The silicone implants wouldn't feel like part of my body, Id have no feeling and they'd feel very cold.

I asked more questions about the results. The consultant had removed a 10cm x 1cm area and a 2cm x 1cm area. All of which came back as high grade DCIS. Luckily DCIS is completely contained within the ducts of the breast and has not yet got the ability to spread outside. As far as we know, my cancer is contained.

DCIS is graded in three ways based on how the cells look under a microscope. A system is used to classify the cancer cells according to how different they are to normal breast cells:

Macmillan Cancer Support: DCIS Grading

The nurse asks about whether we will tell the children. I explain that because of Dad and the association that his death has with the word cancer, we would not tell them. She agrees its probably best. We're eventually left alone to wait for my name to be called for the mammogram. We hug each other tightly.

The mammogram was horrible. I was still healing from the operation and having my boobs squished in a vice was the last thing I needed. As I stood there top off, boob flattened, I realised that I just had to get on with it. I would fight this - no matter what.

A couple of hours later we were back in with the specialist. She explained that nothing at all was visible on the scan, there was no visible calcification. Mrs S explained that because of this she would need to go in blind but the only option would be for me to have the central excision. Ideally she would have liked to have had an MRI scan done but because of my recent surgery the scan would only show inflamed areas where the previous operation had been performed. You have to wait 6 weeks post surgery to get a clear view and she explained we didn't have time to wait. I'm told it is likely that I will need radiotherapy once I'm recovered, just to ensure that all of the bad cells are eradicated.

I asked how long I was likely to have had this growing inside me and she explained because it had reached high grade it certainly would have been a number of years. I explained my concern about having pain under my arm but she thinks it's likely just down to the surgery I've had.

I was given a folder confirming my diagnosis "left breast cancer". My operation will be performed on 8th January 2018.

As we leave the hospital I see the messages and missed calls from my mum. How the hell am I supposed to tell her I have cancer so soon after losing Dad?

Microductectomy Day

I arrive at the hospital for 12.30pm. Today is microductectomy day. I'm just a day case but I've brought my overnight bag just in case.

The day case waiting room is interesting. Most patients appear to be hear for cataract operations. I watch them get called one by one to see the eye specialist and giggle as each of them appears with a giant black arrow drawn on their face, each pointing to their 'bad' eye. It takes a lot not to laugh out loud and I smirk to myself as I see the mass of 'drawn on' pensioners in front of me.

Eventually I am called in to see the anaesthetist. He seems quite young but he puts me at ease. I'm asked to confirm my name, date of birth and the type of operation I am having done today. He asks about my medical history and I tell him about the DVT I had when I was pregnant with my daughter 7 years ago. He explains I'll need to wear my DVT socks for a few extra days after the operation to be safe. Finally he asks if how I usually feel when I come round from anaesthetic (I've had quite a few operations in the past thanks to wrist injuries and a difficult nose, so I'm a pro). I tell him I just usually feel hungry. We laugh and I return to the waiting room.

20 minutes later the consultant arrives and takes me through the operation again. I'm first on her surgery list so she'll see me soon. I get changed into my gown, DVT socks and the fake NHS totes toastie style socks that I was given. I don my dressing gown and before I know it, the nurse is walking me down to theatre.

In the theatre I am met my the anaesthetist from earlier and he introduces me to the rest of the team. We chat as they prepare me, inserting my canular, putting chest monitor probes on me and the blood pressure monitor. A few minutes later I'm wearing an oxygen mask (vanilla flavoured oxygen apparently!) and I'm put to sleep.

--

I wake up in recovery with one other lady next to me. The nurse checks my blood pressure and brings me a glass of water. She offers me a cup of tea and a piece of toast. I accept the toast - I'm hungry as expected! The toast is THE most amazing toast - salted butter glistens and melts on the surface. It's amazing. I have another glass of water and I need the loo. The nurse helps me up, she tells me I can go myself but under no circumstances can I lock the door.

Within an hour and a half my husabnd arrives and we head home with a bag of painkillers. The drive home is the worst one yet, every single stone in the road makes the car jump and sends pain through my body. It's definitely time for bed.

Not Prepared to Wait

So I couldn't just leave it. If I learned anything from Dad's cancer journey it's to always trust your instincts and to never take no for an answer when it comes to your health.

On Friday I made the decision to call the breast nurses at the hospital. I told them I was really unhappy about being left for 6 weeks. I explained that whilst I completely understood that my biopsies had come back benign, I still had this horrible 'suspicious' bloody substance coming out of me and I really wasn't prepared to wait until the week before Christmas for another scan.

The nurse was lovely and booked me in to see the consultant again today.

We arrived at the hospital but I didn't feel as nervous today. I was on a mission. Today I would fight.

"Leanne Nash"

Date of birth confirmed, we headed in to see the consultant.

"So we aren't supposed to see you for 6 weeks? What are you doing here?" she said in a rather annoyed tone.

I reiterated my concerns to her about not being left for 6 weeks and she asked me to go behind the curtain so she could examine me again. The nurse always comes with me behind the curtain. I told her "I just know my own body and something isn't right." She looked back at me in sympathy and smiled.

The consultant came through and asked me to raise my arm. She felt my breast and pinched either side of nipple. A lot of the dark brown blood came out.  She stepped back and asked me to get dressed again. The nurse handed me some tissues to clean myself up.

Once I was dressed I returned to my seat.

"I think what you have is a papilloma which most people just live with, they aren't harmful, but since you have the discharge I can offer you a microductectomy." She ran through all of the risks involved, the loss of sensation I'd feel, the scarring I'd have. I really felt as though she was trying to put me off having the operation. I just kept nodding "That's fine." I knew I was making the right decision.

I asked a few questions, each time it was as though she was trying to make me feel stupid for asking it. She was clearly still annoyed we had come here only a few days later and not waited the 6 weeks. Finally my husband asked, "What would have happened if we had waited the 6 weeks but Leanne was still bleeding like that?" She replied that she would have booked me in for the operation anyway.

We left feeling a sense of achievement. We had shaved 5 weeks off my waiting time. My operation is booked in for 7th December but I'll need to come back on 27th November for my pre op.

Grief

Grief always hits you when you least expect it, the tears stream down your face without warning. I really miss Dad’s company on the train home from work. I miss seeing him dashing down the stairs at Central to make it in to the seat I always saved him. I miss us laughing together at the poor Moorfields commuters trying to squeeze on the train. I miss hearing the office gossip and him telling me about places on the journey back. I miss banging on the train window to get his attention on the days when he just missed me and the train zooms past. I miss him so much x 

Core Biopsy Results Day

We're back again. Only this time the anxiety is even more intense. Today the waiting room is full. We stand until another patient is called. Again my heart beats like a train. I hate this waiting room. Today as we waited a lady came out of the consultants room in tears, everyone watched as she was led off to another room to contemplate her journey.

"Leanne Nash"

We rise and I give my date of birth to the nurse as usual. Today we are taken in to a different room and I don't recognise the lady in front of me. She introduces herself as a registrar. She explains that my results have come back.

I take a deep breath.

The results have come back as a 2 on a scale of 1 to 5. This is classed as benign.

I begin to cry and explain my worries that something just isn't right. I tell her about what had happened to my dad. She tells me not to worry but I will need to come back in 6 weeks for another ultrasound.

We left but the doubt remains. I feel a real sense of unease.

RIP Dad

At 3.10 am this morning I received the call I'd been dreading. It was the nursing home that were taking care of my dad. They said it was time. We needed to go in.

 It's the worst call I have ever received. My heart was pounding. Now I had to call mum. How do I do that? How can I call my mum and tell her that we have to go and say goodbye.

Shaking, I dial the number. A heart wrenching conversation occurs and I pull my clothes on.

I kiss my husband and kids and drive to mums with tears streaming down my face. As I approach mums I try and wipe the tears away. I need to stay strong, I need to look after her today.

Mum gets in the car and we make our way there. We talk about how they might have made a mistake. Two weeks ago we were told he might only have a few days left and they were wrong then.

Deep down we knew it was coming but we desperately hoped that this was all a bad dream.

Unfortunately it was not. A few hours later he was gone. Cancer has taken Dad. Stolen him away from us.

Our hearts are broken.