"It's Back"

So.... its been a while guys. I had truly hoped that my cancer journey had come to an end but I found a new lump... well more like a spot if I'm honest so I got in touch with the breast nurses and they invited me in for an examination. 

Walking in to the breast unit felt so strange, I was immediately catapulted back in to a place of anxiety. My heart felt like it was pounding outside of my body. However weirdly, I wasn't worried. I genuinely thought, if anything, that I was wasting their time. 

Eventually I was called in to the consultants room. It wasn't Mr Martin, my previous consultant, it was his registrar. We spoke briefly and I explained about this 'spot' before I hopped on the bed to be examined. She spent a prolonged time feeling the area and then decided to send me for an immediate ultrasound. 

I left my mum in the waiting room while I went to have the scan. It soon became apparent that they were concerned and before I knew it I was having a biopsy taken and a marker put in to my left breast.

I tried to stay positive in my head. As I was sent back to the waiting room, I recalled that previous biopsy trips had resulted in a 3 week wait to get results. Knowing I had a holiday to look forward to in less than two weeks meant I could hopefully forget about all this until I returned. 

No... that's not how it went. 

Again I was called back to the registrar and she very bluntly said "Yeah, it's back". No hesitation, no pussy footing around, no three week wait for results... just "Yeah, it's back"

I was so confused and taken aback that I waked out of the office, collected my mum and went straight back to the car. I just was not expecting that news, especially not delivered in that way.

I head home in disbelief. Sh*t, how am I going to tell the children? We're supposed to be going to see Kings of Leon tonight in Manchester. It's the last thing I want to do right now.

I call the breast nurses when I get home to check that I had heard correctly. They apologised for the abruptness of it all and that I hadn't been spoken too by one of the breast care nurses to process. They said although they don't have the biopsy results, they know that it is definitely cancer so they tell you at this stage so you can prepare for it when you come back for the results.

I sit at home waiting for my kids to get home (they are 17 and 13). We have an honesty policy in our house... no secrets. So I get them together when they land back home. I explain that my breast cancer has returned and we go through their questions. They are so understanding but fearful. We hug for what feels like forever, before deciding we should still go to the concert... make memories... and we did...

So we begin again. I'm back in three weeks, after our Summer trip to Crete,  to get the biopsy results.